Nesting

It's been a long week. A very long week. It's past 1am and I'm home, alone, actually enjoying the fact that I'm being completely antisocial in this long labor day weekend before the kids come back on Tuesday. So many beautiful friends visited me this week and brought so much positive energy to my new apartment in Greenpoint. Unfortunately the week ended with me feeling pessimistic. My date last night was disappointing. Another waitress queen who wants to work in theatre. There was nothing there, no substance, and while he tried to engage me, I was lost amidst the fabricated questions with no desire to really know who I was or why I was...yes, why I was, it wasn't a typo. Why we are is the essential question. Take this as you wish.

My favorite part of this week must have been Lee coming over with her camera and going trigger happy. Her blog inspired me to start this one, and while I'm slow in the getting used to it all, I'm enjoying seeing my words again, instead of just on letterhead. The end of August is always overwhelming with paperwork, organization, clean up, hundreds of emails. The forest of plants I got today from ikea are making things happy. I bought a yucca plant, and a....umm.....I don't really know what the other ones are but they are big and green and beautiful. I'll put pictures up soon. I need to become a better writer. I promise I'll write more tomorrow. After I read more of The History of Love, a book that made me tear up on the subway and got the attention of some cute guy next to me. Why is a man crying/tearing so attractive/repulsive? Thoughts?

(p.s. this picture completely captures how I feel.)

A New Beginning

It's been several months since I last posted anything here. No one will read this, but I'm doing so for me. It's been such a long time since I use to write. I miss writing poetry and had a good laugh when I sat down at a cafe the other day and gave it the old college try. I felt no connection to the words on the paper and decided to write about my surroundings, but soon realized I had forced too many adjectives meant to flatter, and not really identify or give meaning to what was around me. So instead I focused on this annoying and young couple with their newborn next to me.

They were fun to watch, the young, upper east side mom talking to her baby like it was a sorority sister, the father, being left for a brief moment while mom was in the bathroom, looked at the baby as one does a greenish piece of paper that might be mistaken for money on the side of the street. While this got me to write something of substance, I couldn't take my mind off the fact that I had sat down to eat by myself, something which has always made me sad. I never really had anyone to sit with during lunchtime at school. It took me a while to learn English and those first couple of years children spent socializing, left me completely unable to fraternize with my classmates without sounding ridiculous. But this time was different. I sat down, still felt the uncomfortable need to play, look at, call someone, but realized in a city where so many people are alone and forgotten, one young man, sitting all alone at a cafe in the west village, wouldn't put a dent in the social atmosphere of my surroundings.

Recently I've been reading a Kundera book that is growing on me, though the French-English translation isn't as good as the Czech-English books prior to this one. Last night was a friend's bday at my favorite bar, Nowhere. Since the dramatic breakup and weight gain....not due to breakup, mind you, but has been going on ever since I was with this stranger...I haven't really felt that confidence, that feeling of attraction you exude when all thoughts are clear in your head. I think you know what I'm talking about, dear reader, whoever you may be. A day when you just feel it, you flaunt it, you embrace it because regardless of what you're wearing, how your hair looks, if you've showered or not, hehe, you feel attractive, sexy, able to share yourself in a way that for the most part, is usually unaccessible to me.

Last night was great. Maybe it was the fact that I wore my new shirt, or that I'm slowly getting over the drama that has been this past month, or the 8 gin and tonics and 2 shots of yagger...but I was working it. And while this is no medium for too much truth, let's just say last night I delved into things (no pun intended) I thought my prudish, conservative, boring self would never do. The me I thought I knew is constantly changing. People change, not just attributes. Yes, we all can improve or get worse, but change is there, it is the only constant in our lives. I like this new sense of self, this knowing that I'm not, nor should ever be the center of my own universe, or that of someone else.

I started running again this week. One night I ran against the night sky, against which explosions were taking place. The weekly fireworks show at Playland that left me smiling. Another night I was mesmerized by the night sky, the stars radiant in a small town sky. I sat down in front of a church and looked up, following the trajectory of the slowest shooting star I have ever seen (no, it was not a plane.) Lastly, my favorite night run was when I ran all the way to Playland beach, to the boardwalk that stretches into the sound. While there had been a storm earlier, it had moved away, but I could still see, hear, feel the thunder hitting the ocean miles away. It was incredibly beautiful and sent goosebumps throughout my body. I felt so humbled, so alone, and still, so part of everything. I took a couple of deep breaths, held them tight, fearing that in them contained everything I needed to be me, and ran all the way back home, thunder and lighting in the background.